This Present Past
by Shirerose
Summary: In the year following Paraguay a tragedy haunts the JAG staff as they remember who they are and what their duty is.
1. Chapter 1

Nota Bene: Decidedly different from my usual stories but hopefully still interesting. The opening is a little darker than usual but things iron themselves out.

In this (very AU) timeline Mattie reconciles with her father months earlier than in the show, hence the date discrepancy. Furthermore, I am taking some liberties (besides the obvious) with some of the characters but I feel that they are in keeping with what was shown on screen, I am just developing it further.

Lastly, I am not a Mac-basher and I liked AJ (at least most of the time) but neither is really at their best here at least at first so be warned!

* * *

 **This Present Past**

 **Prologue**

* * *

It ended startlingly fast after all those years.

One minute JAG Ops was full of conversations, quiet bursts of laughter and alive with activity, then with the flick of a channel the life had drained away as a world smashed to bits around them.

Life had just began inching its way back to normality. The Commander was back of course and that alone took away three quarters of the tension that had been eddying uneasily around HQ since the Paraguay debacle.

Things were still subdued; the newer staff were still trying to understand the flow of the office and the enigmatic and soft-spoken Commander that sat all unconsciously at its heart. The Colonel and Commander Turner simply seemed glad that he was back to bearing the brunt of the Admiral's ill-tempers. The older staff both officers and enlisted were trying to adjust for him being back albeit more worn and quieter than ever before.

It is course very hard to see your heroes tumbled from their pedestals and trampled on and most were still not quite comfortable around him. After all how exactly do you reconnect with an officer so far senior to you in rank? Once the Admiral's protégée, now apparently on the very bottom of that officer's list of favorite persons. The fact that scuttlebutt abounded and facts didn't regarding said officer's journey from the dubious honor of protégée to the bottom of the barrel did nothing to make the transition easier.

The facts were simple and few, the Commander had been accused of murder, acquitted, resigned to rescue the Colonel, emphatically not asked to return, worked for the CIA, been dumped by the CIA, vanished for a bit, reappeared as a civilian and suddenly returned. It was enough to confuse even the most level-headed even without further mysteries like why the Colonel apparently hadn't been able to stand the man who rescued her for months at a time, why the Admiral had done such a complete one-eighty on his best officer (his voice had been most penetrating the day the Commander had not come back) and of course everyone's favorite, why said Commander _had_ come back and apparently resigned himself to all resulting humiliations?

In fact, no one seemed able to figure the Commander out any more, he had always been guarded about himself but despite his status as office legend he had usually been both cheerful and polite to both enlisted and officers. He was still polite, but far less obviously cheerful, he smiled but they seldom reached his eyes, if he was guarded before he was now a full-blown enigma.

The only constant from both "before" and "after" seemed his single-minded determination in pursuing his cases.

Now it seemed that things would never have the chance to reach normality. Because there on the bullpen monitors was a very familiar and very tall figure who should have been safely on his way back to the states with Bud Roberts. Jen Coates slipped away quietly to alert the Admiral and thus happily missed her mentor being backhanded by his captors.

It was a long week. What news the Admiral had managed to scrap together wasn't good. The plane that both officers had been on had been hijacked by extremists, the Commander had been in uniform at the time and unfortunately stood out. Bud was apparently yet undiscovered to Harriet's somewhat guilty relief.

By the end of that first week the entire staff was in mental shambles. Those that knew and liked the Commander were frazzled and emotionally weary. Those that didn't know him as well or had disliked him were quickly changing their minds. It easy to dislike someone when they annoyed you in court or simply over-shadowed you in the office. It was much harder to muster up those feelings when you saw that legend prove itself in heart-rending color three times a day on screen.

And it was next to impossible to resent someone whose mother showed up at the office dignified and sorrowful to see if there was news of her son's possible release.

By the time the attempted escape occurred the whole staff not excluding the Admiral was a mess. More than half the prisoners got away; unsurprisingly the Commander was not one of them. Everything after that was a blur.

Like the day that the nightmare had begun two weeks earlier it played itself out with surreal swiftness. One minute the remaining captives were sitting quietly together during a rare break in the on-going questioning and ill-treatment and the next even that last facade of normality had dissolved.

Someone in charge had apparently finally run out of patience and with seeming nonchalance the terrorist leader gave his ultimatum. Until they started cooperating each day would count another captive dead. There was scorn in his voice as he asked for a volunteer to be the first. The JAG staff watched in horror the remaining men glanced at each other.

Afterwards they agreed that they hadn't really been surprised when the tall and worn captive with ripped Commander's stripes had nodded slightly and stood proudly for the last time. There was a collective hush as he looked straight at the camera and gave the fastest and final closing argument of his life.

And not even Harriet and Jen closed their eyes when triple shots rang out seconds later and the Commander slipped silently to the ground his eyes dark with pain and an odd little half-smile on his lips.

Six hours later the rest of the hostages were rescued by SEAL Team 2, the members of which were horrified to find the lawyer who had once HALO jumped with them bloodless and dying.

The Commander had bought the extra time with his blood.


	2. Chapter 2

And the unusual bit begins (I've never tried to write something even remotely resembling a ghost story so here's to luck)

* * *

 **This Present Past**

 **Chapter 1**

* * *

Harriet was sitting by herself in the dark little office for some much-needed alone time and praying that her husband would be luckier than the Commander when she felt someone else in the room.

"He's fine Harriet" said the voice behind her as she turned and gave a little gasp of surprise.

"Commander?" she asked hesitantly.

"Harriet, I think you can call me Harm at this point" he smiled, "Bud's in good hands now and will back before you know it."

"Harm" she said looking him over skeptically, "I don't mean to be rude but how are you here? I mean…we just saw…are you dead, sir?"

Harm's bright smile slipped a little and for a second she saw into his eyes and the years of pain and sacrifice and love that filled them.

His voice was very gentle as he answered her.

"I am dead. I suppose I am ghost of sorts though I am rather confused how this works myself. Harriet, look at me."

She turned teary eyes back to his.

"I had a good life Harriet, it wasn't always easy or pleasant but it was mine and I am happy for the chances that I had. You know by the all the laws of probability this should have happened years ago. I had my extra chances and I think we all knew that this was going to happen sooner or later, at least this way I did some good by dying."

"You did a lot of good in living" said Harriet softly.

Green-blue eyes like the sea that he was so fond of considered her pale blue ones and he smiled gently this time.

"Have a good life Harriet, you have a good husband and loving sons and daughters."

Harriet started at the comment about sons and daughters, plural and his eyes twinkled back as he pulled her into a hug.

* * *

Mac was in the women's head when Harriet came in looking dazed, tearful and oddly happy all at once. And somehow she knew that she wasn't the only one.

"You saw him too didn't you?"

"Then I wasn't dreaming was I ma'am?"

Blue eyes met brown and held them.

"What did he say to you?"

* * *

"No, sir, we haven't dealt with it yet."

"With all due respect Mr. Secretary, my senior attorney was shot today. Some damn terrorists pumped him full of bullets and left him to bleed out in front of the whole world."

"No, sir, my staff is dealing quite well considering the circumstances. Will that be all sir?

He slammed the phone down and slumped behind his desk. It was hard to lose someone in your command he reflected, it was doubly hard when that person had been your best officer for years and it was triply hard when you had been making said officer's life more or less hell for all the wrong reasons.

A soft knock roused him from this depressing train of thought and he remembered that the Commander would stand just so outside his door waiting warily until he finished certain calls. Much as he had tried to ignore it the man had been like a son…

"The son you never wanted, sir. I heard what the Colonel said that day and I suppose it was fairly accurate."

The Admiral choked and raised his head slowly wondering inanely if he could possibly have heard that voice. He had heard it correctly apparently because standing before him was the Commander impeccably turned out in his dress whites.

"You're haunting me aren't you?" he muttered, "I should have known that you would if you were ever foolish enough to get yourself killed."

Harm just looked at him, mild reproach in his eyes.

"I thought you knew me better sir." he said finally, holding his ex-co's eyes. Laughter flicked across his face for an expressive second and he relaxed, smiling slightly.

"Though I suppose haunting is more or less true. I don't mean it badly sir, nobody else seemed to mind, once they got over the shock of course."

The Admiral stared even harder and shook his head.

"Just how many people have you been doing this to?"

"My mother, Mattie, Mac, Harriet, Bud, Jen, you, sir. I wanted to make sure that my friends were alright, I can't imagine what it must feel like to see a friend shot on live television and…"

"Come again" said the Admiral blankly.

"Sir, I would be horrified if someone I knew even a little, much less a friend was shot in front of me so I wanted to…"

"You offered to die to save a score of men, only one of whom you knew and now that you are dead you are making the rounds to be sure you friends are alright?"

"Sir, most of them were married or had dependents, one of them was going to be late for his wedding, how couldn't I offer sir? Mattie is staying with her father, Mac has Webb, my mother has Frank, Harriet and Bud have each other and you can replace me sir. You've already made it pretty clear that I am not exactly a crucial part…"

The Admiral stared unbelieving at his ex-officer who mercifully didn't finish his sentence.

"Are you trying to justify what you did Rabb?"

"I am trying to make you understand" Harm said very softly and looked the Admiral in the eye, "I didn't want you to think that I was committing some sort of oblique version of suicide"

"I would never believe that of you, Rabb. Do you really think that I could?"

Harm looked away for a moment and then unblinking and without hesitation answered quite bluntly.

"I honestly don't know, sir. I don't really know what to expect from you anymore."

"I suppose I deserved that" AJ's voice was uncommonly humble.

"I can't say that I wasn't bitter and angry about what happened" continued Harm, "because I was and I am not very proud of it. But honestly I think I was more hurt than anything else. I could accept that I wasn't coming back, I took that risk knowingly. What I didn't understand, sir, was why you humiliated me the way you did."

Admiral AJ Chegwidden looked back his eyes uncharacteristically blank and empty.

"I was angry Harm, you defied my order and I couldn't take it anymore."

"I had slipped around orders before sir. And Mac's life was at stake, you must have known by then that her life was worth far more to me than my career. In fact I have always believed and tried to live by the rule that a good officer does his best by those above, with and beneath him regardless of the consequences. I thought you understood that all the times that you have stood by me, indeed Admiral I thought you lived by that same standard."

The Admiral blinked and stared at Harm quizzically.

"You're right."

Harm landed with a somewhat dubious thump (considering he was a ghost of some sort) in the chair before the desk.

"I'm right?" he echoed.

"I did live by that code Harm. But after Lindsey and your trial and the worry about Mac I forgot it. Worse you did what I wouldn't and I took it out on you."

Harm leaned back in the chair his eyes never leaving the Admiral.

"That may be true sir, but that can't be everything. You tore up my entire career, everything I have ever done right or wrong and a few I hadn't done at all. You weren't just angry, sir, you were furious."

"Right again Rabb" snapped the Admiral, "Don't you ever get tired of being right?"

"Admiral I have been wron…"

The Admiral huffed incredulously.

"You are still pushing my buttons; you are dead, got yourself shot like I always knew you would and you are still pushing my buttons. How do you do it?"

Harm froze where he sat, troubled eyes staring off into the distance.

"Are you saying that I got what was coming to me, sir?" his voice very quiet and deadly earnest.

The Admiral had stopped the moment he realized what he had done and something akin to shame flickered through the pride in eyes.

"No. Harmon Rabb" he said his voice dropping and his tone just as earnest as he looked the younger man full in the eyes, "I am saying that you were always my best officer through all those years, I may have been rough and I may have been harsher than with the others but you were never the son that I never wanted…"

Harm shut his eyes.

"You were the son that I wished that I could have had. I loved you like you were my own, Harm and I wanted the best for you, a brilliant career, my place as JAG, a wife you loved…

Paraguay made me realize that however much I may have seen you as my son I couldn't save you from yourself. I know when I first met you I thought that you were ambitious, but over the years I've realized that you aren't really. That isn't who you were and I was angry because no matter what you did I couldn't insure your success or even you that you wouldn't get yourself killed."

"AJ" began Harm softly, his eyes wide and twinkling as of old.

"Let me finish Harm" said the Admiral, "I want to say my piece. When I said I expected you to get shot I meant that I realized that you were far too stubborn and to courageous to ever step down. I suppose I always knew that somehow the day would come when all your luck and acuity wouldn't be able enough and you would die. And I dreaded it; it is a hard thing to watch a friend die. I am sorry, son."

"So am I, sir. But you have to admit it could have been worse, I have crashed more than one plane, come close to drowning, been drugged to the gills and I don't know what else. I couldn't have asked for a better way to die, as an officer and a man."

The Admiral stood, a smile on his face.

"I'll see you around sir."

"And I you I hope…"


End file.
